More benefits for lazy Brits

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Give British People More Rights And Higher Priorities Than Immigrants!!.

Poll started by: Sean Martin
Deadline: 21 January 2009

Have you had enough of people moving into our country, taking our jobs and moving in next door? Sean Martin has, and he wants something done about it. As Mr Martin says, "seeing as we are the one's who have lived here all our lives surely we should have first choice on schools, benefits, housing and medical/dental care!"

If you've lived here all your life, then surely you deserve to get first choice on government benefits before Johnny Foreigner gets his hands on them. Because otherwise all the good ones will have gone by the time you get to the front of the queue. It's just not fair.

This petition has been endorsed by Sparky. Is that somebody's dog?

Notable signatories

• sparky
• agree !!! but willl never ever happen ... there all farr to much more special than us!

Unnecessary language

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to make urgent representation to the Broadcasting regulator, Ofcom, the broadcasting institutions operating in the UK and film regulators, asking them to stop the use of unnecessary swearing and bad language in their productions (including those available for downloading from websites) and to urge providers of user-generated content to take similar action.

Poll started by: John Beyer of mediawatch-uk
Deadline: 20 May 2009

If there's one thing that John Beyer doesn't like, it's unnecessary language. But having said that, the title of his petition does look rather verbose. Let's see if we can improve on that.

BEFORE: ... make urgent representation to the Broadcasting regulator, Ofcom, the broadcasting institutions operating in the UK and film regulators, asking them to stop the use of unnecessary swearing and bad language in their productions (including those available for downloading from websites) and to urge providers of user-generated content to take similar action. (52 words)

AFTER: ... ban unnecessary profanity from films, TV and websites. (8 words)

There, that's better. Now all we need to do is find some way of distinguishing between necessary profanity and unnecessary profanity. In the meantime, here's a handy flowchart for concerned viewers who yearn for the good old days when the only thing on TV after 9 pm was the test card:

Notable signatories

• Cllr Frederick Thompson, London Borough of Havering
• FUCKSHIT CUNTFACE

Tireless petitioner #1: Teresa Wright

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Stop Gay Marriages in the Church.

Poll started by: Teresa Wright
Deadline: 26 November 2009

Not all polls make it through the screening process, and Teresa Wright is no stranger to the reject bin at the e-petition website. Among her unsuccessful submissions we found the following examples:

• Jesus is the son of God and it proves it in the dead sea scroll of Judas (Rejected: impossible to understand)
• Bring back the death penalty (Rejected: Overlaps with an existing petition)
• Make the law that everybody should become a Christian (Rejected: Outside the remit or powers of the Prime Minister and Government)
• Saudi Arabia should Stop taking Christians' Human Rights in vain (Rejected: Contained links to websites)
• Save Our Churches (Rejected: Contained potentially libellous, false, or defamatory statements)

Happily for Ms Wright, her gay marriage petition is still active. Although perhaps she's referring to civil partnership ceremonies. Which are already prohibited from taking place in churches.

Notable signatories

• Christian Biggott

Enough is enough

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to declare martial law.

Poll started by: Dan Storer
Deadline: 3 February 2009

Mr Storer has had enough. There's simply far too much in the way of terrorism, gang killings and general lawlessness in society these days. It's time to take back the streets by filling them with soldiers with orders to shoot first and ask questions later. It's the only language these punks understand.

And remember, only if you are an offender do you need to worry about martial law.

Notable signatories

• o god, another daily mail reader

More Wensleydale, Gromit?

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to help us lower the price of cheese.

Poll started by: suzanne jones
Deadline: 09 June 2009

Is the credit crunch driving you crackers? Are you lacking the wherewithal to purchase more Wensleydale? Are Roquefort, Stilton and Lymeswold more than you can afford? In short, are you sitting there wishing you could buy more cheese?

Well you're not alone. Sign this petition today, and ask the government to make cheese more affordable. Otherwise we'll have road blocks outside cheese factories and campaigners outside supermarkets before you can say ... er... cheese? You have been warned.

Notable signatories

• Wallace and Gromit
• Mmmm, cheese
• H.Ungry Mouse

Loose screws & dodgy contacts

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to ensure the use of The Kadir-Buxton Method to cure the mentally ill in the NHS.

Poll started by: Andy Kadir-Buxton
Deadline: 5 September 2009

It's a well-known fact that thumping your television is a reliable and successful technique for curing all sort of reception problems. What isn't so well known is that a similar technique can be used to cure all manner of mental problems in humans.

At least, that's the opinion of Andy Kadir-Buxton, who has developed a special technique not unlike the face slap used in the 1991 You've Been Tangoed TV ad, which sparked a craze for "Tangoing" people which swept the nation's playgrounds and resulted in numerous ear injuries.

This technique could have saved 35,000 lives by now if only the medical authorities had listened to Mr Kadir-Buxton. Sadly, he has so far been unable to get this technique approved by the medical community. Apparently psychiatrists are refusing to provide endorsements because it would replace their profession with Practice Nurses. It's time for the government to step in and ensure that all psychiatric hospitals are able to offer this ground-breaking treatment.

Kadir-Buxton has published a website where you can learn more about the remarkable benefits of this technique.

Disclaimer: Daft Petitions accepts no responsibility for damage to ears, brains or TV sets resulting from the use of this reliable and successful technique.

Notable signatories

• By making dog noises at the person,one can cure all mental health problems.
• Disgraceful - pull this offensive petition